Judge Not

A couple of years ago when I first moved back to Cincy I had a job working in a huge office building's cafeteria. I kind of shudder to call it that because it was nicer than the word cafeteria suggests. I was the cashier, salad bar attendent and baked the cookies and muffins. I stocked the cups, plastic ware, condiments and wash some dishes. I hated getting there at 6am, which is WAY too early. My feet killed me after being on them for 8 hours. It just didn't work out.

I forged a bit of a friendship with one of the cooks, Daniel. He was a bit on the strange side to say the least. Quirky would be a good word, awkward is another good one. He had recently gotten out of prison and rehab. He was actively involved in the Salvation Army and a new Christian. He was an intimidating tower of muscle but had a sweet, gentle disposition. Based on some of his behavior and some of his stories, he was still a little rough around the edges but had come a long way.

In the few months that I worked there I didn't have an episode of depression. I was on a bit of a spiritual God high and feeling really close to God at the time. I couldn't help but sing all the time and smiled a lot. He called me "sunshine" and "smiley".

Daniel was in charge of the breakfast sandwiches. They were yummy combinations of egg, cheese and breakfast meat on a croissant, bagel or biscuit. Some days we sold out of them and other days we had 5 or 6 left. We couldn't sell them the next day so they were up for grabs. Daniel always took them all and didn't offer them to anyone else. I was kind of miffed by that. I like them. Jason likes them. Everyone likes them some free food ya know?

I never told anyone, but was secretly annoyed by it. One day out of nowhere Daniel said "You know those breakfast sandwiches? I've been bringing the leftovers to some of those homeless guys that live under the bridge. This one guy had the sandwich unwrapped and was eating it before it left my hand."

I don't remember how I replied. I remember how I felt: stunned and ashamed and put in my place. I probably didn't speak at all but just stood there choking on my ugly heart.

I haven't heard a word about Daniel since I quit in May 2004. The people who own the business go to my church but I've never asked them. I know it's twisted but I sorta don't want to know. I need to know but I'm afraid that he quit or got fired or relapsed. Maybe it's because I know he had a high opinion of me and I can't live up to it. He knew the happy, cheery, somewhat naive living in the Spirit Jennifer and I haven't seen much of her since my friend Brian died (June 1, 2004). She's starting to come around though. Talking about yourself in the first person is weird, isn't it?

I had some spiritual breakthroughs the past two weeks. More on that to come...

Anyway, I should find out how Daniel's doing, if they even know the answer..sigh...
To tell the truth, I've hardly spoken to them since I quit because I feel guilty. I gave my 2 weeks and everything but I just felt like I let them down. Oy vey! False Guilt! Issues! Baggage! When does it end?

True

I truly enjoy Steve Carr's blog and read it every day even though I've never met him. He's a friend of my friends. Anyway I thought the following was a seriously profound and powerful statement:

Maybe the world isn't a better place because we [the church] aren't a good bride. Maybe we're trying too hard to shake the world with our pulpits. Perhaps we need to worry more about shaking the people in the pews and sending them out, empowered by the gospel, to shake the world.

My take: less politics, more Jesus.

New Miracle Diet!

I haven't updated about my weight struggles for a while. Amazingly and shockingly to me I've lost 23 pounds now!! That puts me at 208. I seriously don't feel like I'm doing enough to warrant this weight loss. The last few pounds have shocked me by disappearing. In the past I've told Jason the gym is adjusting the scale by a pound every now and again just to make me feel good. That's absolutely illogical but in my head so is my disappearing pounds.
I have not been going to the gym consistently since before Christmas. 2 weeks ago I went twice, last week none and then once today. I also feel like I've been totally pigging out, especially on carbs. I keep craving sugary breakfast cereals and baked potatoes with butter and sour cream. When I crave them, I eat them. Somehow I lost a pound. Maybe I've discovered a crazy delicious new diet. Carbs are the new protein!
I know I've made some subtle changes like not eating as much fried food or fast food. I think I've retrained my body to the point that it doesn't want that stuff anymore and I feel sorta sick when I do eat it. I no longer take sugar in my coffee or tea. I've weaned myself off. I'm not ready to forego half and half creamer. I don't keep a lot of sweets in the house. About once a week I treat myself to a donut from Busken Bakery. mmmmmm....
I think I'm down to a size 16 now which is sweet. I'm going to wait a couple more pounds before I go shopping. I know I'll have to buy new summer clothes. Every year I'm a different size! My wedding ring almost fits again which is very exciting. I have to wear it on a chain around my neck in the mean time. I think I'm going to retire my Goodwill "perfect" jeans. I wore them to Panera last week and they almost slipped down past the point of no return. Yikes!
I think it's sorta weird that people haven't seemed to notice the weight loss. My theory is that it's not that obvious because I was so big to begin with or I've lost it so slowly (I've been losing since July), or that everyone's seen me go up and down so many times they don't know which direction I'm going or they don't want to take the chance of insulting me. If you read my blog you are hereby not allowed to notice because I straight up told you.
When I reach less than 200 I should celebrate. I'll have to think about that.

I Love My Job!

I can't believe I can shout "I love my job" and truly mean it. I've had quite a few jobs over the years and most of them are cool for a few weeks or months and then the "uglies" start to show. By uglies I mean that coworkers and bosses start to show their true colors and the job gets tedious and boring. I've worked at several places that look all nice and shiny on the outside but are corrupt and dirty on the inside.

Anyway, I work for a nonprofit program for inner city kids (which shall remain nameless so I dont' get fired). I work the front desk area which includes answering the phone, maintaining the membership database, making sure everyone scans in every day, blah, blah, blah. I've done plenty of clerical work in the past, so what makes this place so special?

First of all it's the kids! I love them more than I can stand! In Matthew 23:37 Jesus says "O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, you who kill the prophets and stone those sent to you, how often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were not willing." That perfectly describes how I feel about these kids. I literally have this strong urge to gather them all in a big group hug and just squeeze them and tell them how precious they are to me. We're not really suppose to approach the kids to hug them but the kids can approach us. There's only a few that do come and hug me and it just makes my day!

The sad thing is by loving these kids I know I'm headed for heartbreak in most cases. They have absolutely dreadful home lives. Most of the parents don't work. Some of them do lots of drugs, deal drugs or are even prostitutes. I've heard parents scream and cuss at their kids and I feel ill. I know that a high percentage of them are physically and mentally abused. As a result, most of the kids are so hard hearted it tears me up. The worst part is the kids that are still tender hearted get picked on by the hard kids. I don't know which is worse.

Most of my coworkers love the kids like I do, which also helps to make it a place I love. We try our best to teach them right from wrong and encourage and inspire them on to bigger and better things. Despite our efforts, there's a good chance most of these kids will end up like their parents or worse. They go to school til 2:30 and are with us after school until 8. Despite the fact that they are hardly with their parents, their parents still have the biggest influence on them, hands down. That's how God designed it. There are some kids that will break free and rise above. I plan on working there for a long time so I know I will see both.

I will definitely be sharing more true stories from work in the future so stay tuned...

R.I.P Smokey

It is a sad day on Rocky Top as Knoxvillians and Volunteers at heart mourn the loss of UT mascot Smokey VIII the dog.


Highlights from the article:

Smokey VIII is the winningest Smokey, having compiled a record of 91-22, with two SEC titles and the 1998 national championship

"My relationship with Smokey VIII was special," Earl Hudson said. "I got him when he was two months old. He served with distinction,
weathered storms, cold and heat. He came through it all real well and was always rearing to go. He was a great mascot."

A moment of silence, if you will......

In other depressing news the men's basketball team lost. Sad, sad, sad.

Take a Little Time to Enjoy The View

"Might we not say to the confused voices which sometimes arise from the depths of our being: 'Ladies, be so kind as to speak only four at a time?'"
-- Madame Swetchine

So this quote is referring to the many voices inside our heads which I know a little something about. It made me laugh so hard because I love to watch The View. Jason can't stand it! He says "How can you understand anything when they're all talking at the same time!?"

To Each His Own

A friend emailed this to me. It really touched me.

To Each His Own
I cannot change the way I am,
I never really try,
God made me different and unique,
I never ask him why.

If I appear peculiar,
There's nothing I can do,
You must accept me as I am,
As I've accepted you.

God made a casting of each life,
Then threw the old away,
Each child is different from the rest,
Unlike as night from day.

So often we will criticize,
The things that others do,
But, do you know, they do not think,
The same as me and you.

So God in all his wisdom,
Who knows us all by name,
He didn't want us to be bored,
That's why we're not the same
~Author Unknown~

She's the Reason Jesus Came

The project goes on. Very, very slowly but it's going. I've only made it up to Paul Alan after starting with my first cd Alathea. Yeah, this may take my entire life to complete. Anyway, I was reminded of why I bought this cd in the first place. I love the song "She's The Reason". I relate to it so much.

I've just loved music since birth and I've been singing ever since I could talk. It's my gift and my passion. From a very young age I was determined to become a successful recording artist. I planned on moving to Nashville immediately following graduation and doing whatever it took to "make it". College was optional. I was interested in attending Belmont but....at the time I did graduate there was so much dysfunction, pain and tragedy in my life that I didn't have the courage or strength to pursue my dream. I was in full fledged rebellion/self-medicate mode. It wasn't pretty and I still bear scars and still have walls in place, but it made me who I am today. God has a purpose for it that hasn't been fully revealed or understood. It won't make total sense until heaven. I have seen God use it in the sense that I can relate to others who have been through similar experiences. 2nd Corinthians 1:3-5 says "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows." A dear, sweet friend from Knoxville first shared that verse with me and God used her to make it a reality in my life as she comforted me.

So... back to the song. It's about a girl who won't make any huge splash in the world as far as fame is concerned but she figured out the most important thing....she's the reason Jesus came! And I'm better off then I ever could've dreamed. The character Eric Liddell in Chariots of Fire said "I believe God made me for a purpose, but he also made me fast. And when I run I feel His pleasure." It's the same for me when I sing for Him. It's more fulfilling then I could've ever imagined. God has a way of taking broken dreams and ressurecting them into something more beautiful than you could've ever imagined.

she's the reason

she is the poster child for the faceless
and she'll go down in history as forgettable
and she'd love it if she could fly
but it doesn't work that way
and she'll never be on the silver screen
but you'll never see her cry
cause she knows that…

she's an angel
and she's got a song for singing
and she's got her dancing shoes on
cause she's more than a face
or a star on a walk of fame
she's the reason Jesus came

she's writing a book about
the least of these
it's an autobiography
she may be an orphan here
but she's gonna have her day
'cause she knows that…

she's you and she's me
and the man at the corner store
and the people next door
and she's fine with her place
cause we're all just leaning on grace
and she has no shame
she's the reason Jesus came

More Derek Webb....

I'm not the only person who likes what Derek Webb has to say. There is a great article over at Relevant Magazine.

Here's a sample quote:

But I’m belaboring my point. I said I was glad to have so many listening Christians exposed to Webb’s music. But why? Because I think they need it. At a time when the church looks more like the bride of America than the bride of Christ, we absolutely need the music of people like Derek Webb. We don’t need more artists who drown the saints in praise choruses that separate the reality of the gritty walk of faith and obedience from the pristine shine of the Sanctuaries in which we gather.

We need musicians who bring the glory of the Gospel and the dirt of real life together in as compelling a manor as this former CCM star.

True Dat.

I'm an Anti Belt-ite

So Jason and I were at Goodwill a couple of months ago. We donated some old books and went inside to look around for fun. Well it's fun for me anyway. Jason's enjoyment is debatable. Lucky for us it was 50% off all clothing! Jason actually needed some clothes for work so I was free to shop for clothes of my own. I really needed a new pair of jeans so I grabbed every decent looking pair in size 18.

It's amazing how some 18's can be way too small and others can be way too big. They're supposed to be the SAME SIZE!!! Anyway, the first few pairs were quickly dismissed. I pick up this pair from Old Navy that look brand new. I'm not a brand name whore or anything, but there is something satisfying about getting something brand name for super cheap. I try them on and they fit PERFECTLY! (insert Hallelujah Chorus here) I think most women would agree that finding the perfect fitting pair of jeans is the holy grail of clothes shopping. I had to call out to Jason. "Jason, Jason you'll never believe it. I found the perfect pair of jeans!!" He's just like "cool." I check the price tag and find out I'm getting this treasure for 3 bucks! Ahhhhhhh, a little piece of heaven on earth. I was sure this was a gift from God himself, plucked out of someone's closet and placed on the Goodwill rack for me to find. That's still probably true but....

I get the jeans home and can't wait for them to make it through the laundry so I can wear them. Finally they are ready and I slip into them like slipping into a glove. I walked from the bedroom to the living room to show Jason and right away discovered the hidden problem. The jeans start to fall off after those few steps. If I just walk a few steps they get all baggy and hang off my butt and if I continue to walk without intervening they end up around my ankles. ARGGGHH! You've got to be kidding me! My dreams were crushed. I have to admit it's a pretty funny sight and Jason and I had a good laugh over it. What else can you do?

I actually still wear the jeans, after all I paid good money for them. I usually wear them to work on casual Friday's since I just sit in my chair most of the day anyway. I just keep one hand holding up the pants from the waist whenever I have to walk around. The things a girl will do for the sake of fashion!

Confession/Project Time

I have a confession to make. We have 4935 songs in our iTunes. Some of these songs were purchased on the web but the majority of them come from our cd collection. The sad thing is I haven't taken the time with each cd to really read the lyrics and give it a good listen. Some of these neglected cds are of artists I already know I love like Sara Groves, Eli, Beki Hemingway, Nichole Nordemann, Mercy Me, Emmylou Harris, Counting Crows, Pearl Jam, Trisha Yearwood etc. Yet I continue to desire and purchase new cd's when I'm sure that I already own some undiscovered treasures.

I am a messy person in general but there are certain things that just have to be in order. The dishes can wait another day but my cd's must be filed in books in alphabetical order. We have 5 good size cd books to go through. This is a BIG project and I have no earthly idea how long it will take. God help me if I decide to attack my bookcase in the same manner. There's undiscovered treasure there as well.

Before I start with the A's I started out with the 2 Derek Webb cd's we borrowed from Scott Duebber. He does a great job of combining relevant, thought provoking lyrics with great melodies.

It was super hard to pick a favorite from these two albums but I decided to go with "T-Shirts" which Scott played at church a few weeks ago.
Check it out:


T-Shirts (What We Should Be Known For)
words and music by derek webb
they'll know us by the t-shirts that we wear
they'll know us by the way we point and stare
at anyone whose sin looks worse than ours
who cannot hide the scars of this curse that we all bare

they’ll know us by our picket lines and signs
they’ll know us by the pride we hide behind
like anyone on earth is living right
and isn’t that why Jesus died
not to make us think we’re right

chorus
when love, love, love
is what we should be known for
love, love, love
it’s the how and it’s the why
we live and breathe and we die

they’ll know us by reasons we divide
and how we can’t seem to unify
because we’ve gotta sing songs a certain style
or we’ll walk right down that aisle
and just leave ‘em all behind

they’ll know us by the billboards that we make
just turning God’s words to cheap clichés
says “what part of murder don’t you understand?”
but we hate our fellow man
and point a finger at his grave

chorus

they'll know us by the t-shirts that we wear
they'll know us by the way we point and stare
telling ‘em their sins are worse than ours
thinking we can hide our scars
beneath these t-shirts that we wear

I'm Bipolar

I've been debating for a while whether I should share that I am bipolar. I've decided that I just have to put it out there. I need the therapeutic release of talking about it. Bipolar has pretty much hijacked my life and ever since I've been trying to figure out where bipolar ends and I begin.

I've struggled with depression off and on my entire life. I remember as early as 5th grade having serious suicidal thoughts. I didn't really experience the mania side of things until the tragedy of my friend Brian dying. In some of my reading and research I have discovered that a lot of people with mental illnesses can trace the start of their illness to some sort of tragic jolt in their life. I think the bipolar was always there but perhaps more dormant until then.

Technically I have bipolar II which means I don't have extreme mania but only mild mania. I have to accept this as a blessing because extreme mania involves losing touch with reality and often doing things to endanger oneself. My mania involves a feeling of adrenaline running through my body for no reason. My thoughts race around in my mind out of control until I want to scream. My sleep becomes very restless as I wake up many times throughout the night and I can't get comfortable no matter how hard I try.

The depression and anxiety are far, far worse. I have to go into survival mode. It takes major effort to get out of bed, take a shower, get dressed etc. My latest bout of depression lasted for 2 months. Some days are better than others. I just get so weak and rely on Jason so much that I won't go to the grocery store without him. At my lowest points I think about suicide a lot. So far I've never actually wanted to go through with it but it's scary when you can't stop thinking about it. I feel like depression robs me of my life and robs me of the opportunity to use the gifts that God gave me.

So that's it. I thought as soon as I had the diagnosis that I would just tell everyone. I thought it would probably explain some of the bizarre behavior I assume I exhibit sometimes. It explains why I call into work or bow out on something I signed up to do. So many times it seemed like the right time to share and I chickened out. I guess I worry that people won't take me as seriously. I need to share it though because it is such a big part of my life and understanding who I am and what I struggle with. The average person doesn't know much about bipolar, let alone what it's like to live with it. I think a lot of people know someone who has it. I guess I'd like to offer my little voice to the noise and share what the experience can be like.

I promise not to turn this into an all bipolar all the time blog but it does touch every area of my life and sharing some of my stories without mentioning it and wondering about it just isn't the whole story. Consider yourself warned!

iTunes survey

Directions: Open iTunes and answer, no matter how embarrasing...
(thanks to Scott Duebber for the idea)

Jason and I share our iTunes so our total number of songs is 4934.
I don't listen to some of his music and he doesn't listen to most of mine. I thought I'd get more personal results if I only used my playlist for the questions that I could. So here it is:

How many songs: 3684
Sort by song title...
First song:"'Til I Can Make it On My Own" - Martina McBride
Last song: "Yours Forevermore" - Dan Shantz

Sort by time...
Shortest Song: 0:01 "take y'all back!" - 1NC
Longest Song: 27:15 "Blind" - Jars of Clay

Sort by album...
First Song: "Eyes Wide Open" - Over the Rhine ('Til We Have Faces)
Last Song: "All Those Yesterdays" - Pearl Jam (Yield)

Top 5 Most Played Songs...
1. "Nothing But the Blood" - Passion Worship Band (12)
2. "More Fun Than Sin" - Newsong (7)
3. "Bus Driver" - Caedmon's Call (5)
4. "We Delight" - Caedmon's Call (5)
5. "What You Want" - Caedmon's Call (5)

First 5 songs that come up on Shuffle...
1. "Wild Child" - The Doors
2. "O Come All Ye Faithful" - Kim Hill
3. "New Day" - Joy Williams
4. "Sea and Sky" - Over the Rhine
5. "Here We Go" - Grits

Search...
1. "Sex"--How many songs come up: 0
2. "Death"--How many songs come up: 13 "Life and Death" - Carolyn Arends; the other 12 are all from the P.O.D. album "Payable on Death"
3. "Love"--How many songs come up: 303, way too many to name...
4. "You"--How many songs come up: 651
5. "love" and "you" --How many songs come up: 116