Cute Enough

Once upon a time I weighed in at 135. I must say I was CUTE! I have pictures to prove it! Of course at the time I still thought I was a fat, ugly troll. Unfortunately I reached that number as the result of a broken heart. It's the only time in my life I got depressed and stopped eating. I think it was the most severe heartbreak of my life.

By the time I got married in 1998 I was about 150. I'm not sure whether I was cute at that point. O.K, yeah, I was.

By September of 2001 I reached 235 pounds!!! Ummm....not so cute. I was diagnosed with a disease called PCOS. I won't bore you with details but one of the worst symptoms is rapid weight gain...sigh.... Of course I can't blame it all on the disease. The doctor chastised me for my bad habits. He went on to tell me at the rate I was gaining I would soon be diabetic and eventually die 20 years before I should. He also told me the last 20 years of my diabetic life would be hell, complete with amputated limbs. He went on to tell me that my husband wouldn't love me or want me when I was 300 pounds!! The Dr. was trying to scare me I guess. I don't respond well to this technique and entered into a deep depression. Stupid Dr.!! My sweet husband (he loves me and tells me I'm beautiful no matter what size I am) wanted to punch him.

The medication he prescribed made me made me nauseated, especially when I ate sweets. I started walking on a regular basis. I lost 50 pounds!! Dance around! Dance around!

Somehow by 2005 I was back up to 231! I'm used to the medicine now so no more sweet side effects. I believe my massive struggle with depression during those years was also a huge contributing factor. Anyone who's ever experienced depression knows you don't want to get out of bed, let alone get on a treadmill. I didn't discriminate when it came to food.

In the last year we finally found the right drug to control my depression. Thank you GOD!!! I have my life back! This newfound freedom has given me new energy and willpower. I joined a gym in July and have lost 13 pounds to date. Dance around!

Of course I still have a long way to go. One pound at a time. One pound a week. It's so frustrating! It's like being in a Halloween costume you can't escape. Maintaining a wardrobe is a joke! Every season, every year I'm a different size. I have clothes in every size from 14-20! If I see someone I went to high school with in the grocery or a restaurant I duck my head and hide. I'm so embarrassed by the way I look. I don't think I can handle my ten year reunion next year. I can't tell you how many times I've heard people say "reunion is a time to see who got fat."

I've often compared myself to Garfield. I like to eat, sleep, watch TV and I'm nervous around big dogs. I do think I read a little more. Exercise is like punishment and so is eating whole grains and green leafy vegetables. I really don't expect these things to change. I'll probably always be on the plus size a bit. I'm thinking size 12ish. That'll have to be cute enough.