Working Things Out
Wow! I have so much to say and I hope I can make sense of it enough to communicate it. This post will probably be long as I try to get all of this out.
I've had some epiphanies lately that are growing me and challenging me. I guess the major one came on the cruise, which was wonderful by the way. Because it was a Christian music cruise it was more than a vacation. It was also a spiritual retreat. I don't think it was a specific song or something that was said but something started me down the road of thought. I had had two depressive episodes in a row. Both lasted over three months. I was still feeling low on the cruise and the music would just make me ache inside and cry out to God. All week I was begging God to heal me because the bipolar disorder makes me so miserable. I was absolutely desperate for a break through. It didn't come with a choir of angels but I did have a revelation. When I get to the depths of despair, I want to give up, to surrender, to quit life. I thought that since I haven't committed suicide I was o.k but the fact was I had quit living.
It's embarrassing to admit but I had surrendered to the despair. As I read the books about bipolar disorder I took it all to heart and identified with everything so closely. I began to look at myself as disabled. I tried to explain to everyone else that I was disabled and that they shouldn't expect much from me. I became fragile and fearful of any bit of stress that might trigger an episode. I attributed everything bad in my life to a physical, chemical imbalance and didn't take any responsibility for my own thoughts and actions. I had lost confidence in my talents. My faith was shaken. I had lost my vision. I had traded the truth for lies. I was defeated......but not yet destroyed.
Since the revelation on the cruise the lights keep coming on. Counseling helps. A book called "Get Out of That Pit" by Beth Moore has been a HUGE help. Of course God is the author of all the help. My mind is being renewed and transformed.
My newfound strength and renewed faith have been put to the test in several ways. I had decided that because of my disability I was only capable of working part time. This may be true for some people but the fact is I've worked full time in the past with bipolar disorder - it just wasn't diagnosed yet. Jason and I got health insurance through UPS. He quit last August and we've been on COBRA ever since. COBRA runs out in February so I've been a little panicked thinking we won't be able to afford insurance out of pocket and chances are the church won't have the money to give Jason benefits. I started praying for God to make a way. About a week later a job became open at work. It's full time with benefits in my area of expertise - administration. The first thing I did was delete the email and put it out of my mind. Ha! I was afraid. My boss asked me if I had considered it and told me he thought I'd be great at it. Really? Me? So I did think about it and I asked Jason and he thought it sounded like an answer to prayer and I could certainly do it and should go for it. Really? My Mom, my sister, my counselor, my co-workers all believed in me even though I didn't believe in myself. So I stepped out on faith and went for it. I decided to totally give it up to God and trust Him to know what's best for me and to have a plan for me. It is so hard for me to fully trust Him and lean upon Him but I did my best. I asked my church to pray for me. Out of more than 250 applicants I was chosen for the job. WOW! I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared. The lie I feed myself says that I will be so stressed out and overworked that I will be miserable and be pushed beyond my breaking point. That doesn't line up with the truth of what I've been able to endure in the past. I'm working hard on believing the truth.
If you are a person who prays, it would mean a lot if you would pray for me. I'm trying to change thought patterns I've engaged in my entire life. I'm trying to change a lifetime of behaviors and habits that bring me down. I am overwhelmed in the face of it. I need strength and I believe in the power of prayer. We pray and God does all the work and gets all the glory.
I've had some epiphanies lately that are growing me and challenging me. I guess the major one came on the cruise, which was wonderful by the way. Because it was a Christian music cruise it was more than a vacation. It was also a spiritual retreat. I don't think it was a specific song or something that was said but something started me down the road of thought. I had had two depressive episodes in a row. Both lasted over three months. I was still feeling low on the cruise and the music would just make me ache inside and cry out to God. All week I was begging God to heal me because the bipolar disorder makes me so miserable. I was absolutely desperate for a break through. It didn't come with a choir of angels but I did have a revelation. When I get to the depths of despair, I want to give up, to surrender, to quit life. I thought that since I haven't committed suicide I was o.k but the fact was I had quit living.
It's embarrassing to admit but I had surrendered to the despair. As I read the books about bipolar disorder I took it all to heart and identified with everything so closely. I began to look at myself as disabled. I tried to explain to everyone else that I was disabled and that they shouldn't expect much from me. I became fragile and fearful of any bit of stress that might trigger an episode. I attributed everything bad in my life to a physical, chemical imbalance and didn't take any responsibility for my own thoughts and actions. I had lost confidence in my talents. My faith was shaken. I had lost my vision. I had traded the truth for lies. I was defeated......but not yet destroyed.
Since the revelation on the cruise the lights keep coming on. Counseling helps. A book called "Get Out of That Pit" by Beth Moore has been a HUGE help. Of course God is the author of all the help. My mind is being renewed and transformed.
My newfound strength and renewed faith have been put to the test in several ways. I had decided that because of my disability I was only capable of working part time. This may be true for some people but the fact is I've worked full time in the past with bipolar disorder - it just wasn't diagnosed yet. Jason and I got health insurance through UPS. He quit last August and we've been on COBRA ever since. COBRA runs out in February so I've been a little panicked thinking we won't be able to afford insurance out of pocket and chances are the church won't have the money to give Jason benefits. I started praying for God to make a way. About a week later a job became open at work. It's full time with benefits in my area of expertise - administration. The first thing I did was delete the email and put it out of my mind. Ha! I was afraid. My boss asked me if I had considered it and told me he thought I'd be great at it. Really? Me? So I did think about it and I asked Jason and he thought it sounded like an answer to prayer and I could certainly do it and should go for it. Really? My Mom, my sister, my counselor, my co-workers all believed in me even though I didn't believe in myself. So I stepped out on faith and went for it. I decided to totally give it up to God and trust Him to know what's best for me and to have a plan for me. It is so hard for me to fully trust Him and lean upon Him but I did my best. I asked my church to pray for me. Out of more than 250 applicants I was chosen for the job. WOW! I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared. The lie I feed myself says that I will be so stressed out and overworked that I will be miserable and be pushed beyond my breaking point. That doesn't line up with the truth of what I've been able to endure in the past. I'm working hard on believing the truth.
If you are a person who prays, it would mean a lot if you would pray for me. I'm trying to change thought patterns I've engaged in my entire life. I'm trying to change a lifetime of behaviors and habits that bring me down. I am overwhelmed in the face of it. I need strength and I believe in the power of prayer. We pray and God does all the work and gets all the glory.
11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
Jeremiah 29:11-13
1 I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.3 He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the LORD.
Psalm 40:1-3
posted by Jennifer @ 2:18 PM
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