Bastica

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Grief

I'm hurting. If you look at my life, my circumstances, there is no logical reason why. Grief. It came to me this week that that's what it feels like, the only word that helps describe what this pain is. So I ask myself, what have I lost? I've lost my joy, my peace, my passion. I've lost the spark that makes me me. I have no desire to sing, not even sing along to the radio. I am bitter and cynical. I feel trapped and hopeless. I have ZERO energy and all I can do is make it through another day. Life is a burden. I would rather not wake up to face another day yet I keep breathing. It feels like it will always be this way. More than likely I will begin to feel better in a few days, weeks or months but this hopelessness FEELS never ending. Nothing brings me pleasure. TV and food medicate me but nothing heals me. There is a heavy weight on my heart. I am enveloped by a dark cloud. There is nothing that can be said or done. Jason brings me some comfort but he can't rescue me.

It breaks my heart that God doesn't rescue me. I know I will praise Him again but right now I can't feel Him.