Self Discovery

Listening is rare. There are certain people to whom we feel we can talk because they have such a deep capacity for hearing, not just our words, but hearing us as a person. They enable us to communicate on a level we’ve never reached before. They enable us to be as we’ve never been before. We will never truly know ourselves unless we find people who can listen, who can enable us to emerge, to come out of ourselves, to discover who we are. We cannot discover ourselves by ourselves.

~Edward Farrell

I have been blessed to have a person or two like this in my life.

I've been doing alright. Thanks for everyone's encouraging messages and prayers. I'm back in counseling, which bleh, but it's good, but bleh. Growing and changing is a slow painful process. I do love my counselor, I've seen her before, but bleh and again bleh and yes it will be good for me. I think I'm trying to talk myself into it.

I went to a great women's retreat this weekend. As usual there were some very inspiring, moving things I learned and invevitably somebody always makes me mad. I'm pretty mentally exhausted after it. I'm ready to hit the couch and watch Tennesee beat Florida. Go Vols!

a little better

This morning was rough.

I made myself go to work, wary of how it would be, afraid i'd have to leave. It actually seemed to help me. The routine of it helped me feel normal and the kids are like precious family to me. They can also cause me alot of stress but they were pretty good today. I love to pour out kindness on them. I noticed I was smiling, laughing even. I felt joy. What a relief. I am still alive inside. I have some fight left in me. I never knew a job could be such a blessing. It is a gift from God.

Isn't this crazy!? These last few weeks? It's not always this way....just when I'm going through an "episode". I need to study this disorder and understand it better. I have it and I have to accept it and deal. When I'm depressed reading about it is unbearable. When I feel o.k. I like to ignore it and pretend I'm all better as long as I take my pills. What a joke. If this is me on pills......

People want to know how to help me and I wish I knew. I want to be alone but it means alot to have encouraging phone messages and emails. Thank you for your prayers. They are working.

Even though I'm feeling better I can tell I'm still not quite right. I have weird random thoughts, mostly negative. I obsess. It's a weird feeling to know your brain is misfiring somewhere and you can't control some of those thoughts.

What will tomorrow be like? I have no freakin idea. I know I'm going to work. Scratch that. I know nothing. I have to take it moment by moment.

I came across a verse this morning that touched something deep inside. My heart burned. It's what I want.

She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.
~Proverbs 31:25

darkness

where can i go to give up, to resign from this life?

my dr.'s tell me to reduce stress but right now every breath, every thought is stress and pain.

there is no relief.

i desperately want to die but please don't freak out because it's not the same as being suicidal. i just wish God would be merciful and take me out. i make jokes about it but i seriously wish for it.

i called in sick to work today. i feel like such a failure. i worry too much what others think of me.

i feel so alone but if you call me i probably won't answer the phone.

jason is taking care of me. if it weren't for him and God I would already be dead.

cautiously optimistic

I woke up yesterday feeling close to normal - whatever that means. Moods have been pretty steady. It's weird how one day is horror, death and despair and the next day is o.k. It just goes to show that it's largely physical because no circumstances changed. Do I have to live like this or is there some magic pill that will fix me?

I did go to the Dr. on Thursday, nervous and desperate for help. It takes 30 minutes to get there. Jason went with me so he could help share his observations and be another pair of ears for me. We get there and the secretary has a big smile on her face "I tried to call you!" she said cheerfully.

"Um, why?"

"He's not here. He called in sick"

"But it took us half an hour to get here!?"

"I must have called right after you left" she said with unapologetic joy.

"Well, I need to reschedule because I'm not doing so good. Here's our cell phone number for future reference."

I was severely disappointed and frustrated. For some reason her cheerfulness grated on my nerves. I just wanted to guilt trip her like :
"Look lady I'm not sick enough to be admitted to the hospital and I'm not well enough to live my life so a little apologetic sympathy would be nice as you deliver the news that snatches away what little bit of hope I have!!" Dramatic I know but that's honestly how I felt.

Anyway, we're in Knoxville. I'm going to try to take it easy and not fill up the schedule with lots of visiting. The first UT game is today and it's fun to see all the cars with their UT flags and signs. Everyone's wearing orange. Excitement is high. GO VOLS!!!

I have no idea how the trip will affect my mental state. It could go either way or just stay the same. My new Dr. appointment is Tuesday morning. We'll be back to Cincy Monday night.