The End and The Beginning - part 3

I knew that voice but I couldn't place it at first. “Sandy?” I guessed.

“No. It’s Jan.”

I have to tell you, if I could’ve handpicked one woman out of the 100 or so that were there from all different churches from all over the city, Jan is the one I would’ve chosen to pour my heart out to. She is a godly woman whom I admire and feel safe with. She knows my background, my testimony and the story of Brian. God worked it out so perfectly. He is so good!

“Oh Jan! It’s Jennifer!” I choked out and starting sobbing again. She started reaching out to me and letting me pour it out. It was probably another 10 minutes before I would even open the stall door and another 10 minutes before I would meet her eyes. She listened and she spoke the truth over me. Things started clicking in my brain. I started to accept the truth and FEEL the truth. I started to recognize and accept the things God had been revealing to me over the last 2 years. He gave me so many signs and spoke assurances to my heart that Brian was o.k. and that I would be o.k. and I was finally ready to listen and accept it.

The story of Lazarus was probably the most powerful illustration He revealed to me. Mary and Martha, Lazarus’s sisters, sent for their good friend Jesus because Lazarus was sick and they knew Jesus could heal him. Jesus purposely waited a few days and allowed Lazarus to die so that Jesus could demonstrate His incredible power over death. As Jesus approached his friend’s home, 4 days after Lazarus had died, Martha ran out to meet Him. She said “Lord, if you had been here my brother would not have died.” That cuts me to the bone because that’s the same desperate cry I brought before God.

Jesus replied “I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies.”

When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet and said, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died."

When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. "Where have you laid him?" he asked.

"Come and see, Lord," they replied.

Jesus wept.

Then the Jews said, "See how he loved him!"

But some of them said, "Could not he who opened the eyes of the blind man have kept this man from dying?" (John 11:32-37)

Then He proceded to raise Lazarus from the dead. God is in control. He can see the big picture that I cannot see. He loves His children dearly and truly wants the best for them. When we weep, He weeps. I wasn’t pushing Him away anymore. I finally let Him comfort me as I know He’d been ready and willing and desiring to do from day one. I finally took the advice Jason had been giving me. I have to trust what I know about God's character. I had peace for the first time since that horrible day.

Could I have reached this peace earlier if I had only surrendered to what I knew was true? I don’t think so. I had to go through this process for some reason. I had to question, I had to doubt, I had to search, I had to grieve and most of all I had to grow. Do I trust God more now then before? I think so but I really won’t know until it’s tested again and it most certainly will be because that is life in this world. Oh how I long for heaven…my home…where there is no more pain and no more tears and face to face fellowship with my creator. I can’t wait to sing for Him someday in perfect harmony with my friend Brian.

Back to the bathroom……we started to have visitors. The other women walked in and took one look at us and sort of hesitated. Jan and I assured them it was o.k. “Come on in,” we said. “Don’t go to the stall on the left, it’s out of paper”

Jan said “We’re just here to make your bathroom experience more enjoyable!” We cracked up but people looked at us kind of strange.

I was finally ready to pray so we stocked up on toilet tissue, exited the “confessional” and found a quiet room in which to pray. Again Jan prayed exactly what I needed to hear. She injected scriptures into her prayer. She asked God to reveal the truth to me so that the truth would set me free.” And so He did. He restored the joy of my salvation, not a moment too late, not a moment too soon. He is so good! Thanks be to God!