Life Update

I haven't updated for a while on my health issues. Sorry if I left anyone hangin'. I continued to struggle with crazy mood swings for a few more weeks into the first few days of October. There was lots of depression and some scary suicidal thoughts. Things have shaped up and I've been feeling pretty consistently "normal".

There have been some medication changes and it's hard to tell whether I just got better just because of time or because of meds. I'm guessing a little of both? We're still adding, subtracting and increasing dosages. I also found out my thyroid was low which can contribute to mood swings. This is a recent development because it's been tested at least one other time in the last three years so I can't blame everything on it but it was probably contributing to the mood stuff and weight gain.

I've gained back about 12 lbs of the 20 I lost. Wah! Seriously wah! Depression sucks! Exercise is close to impossible and food brings comfort. I'm back to old bad habits. I'm hoping the thyroid medication helps me get back on track. How can a girl maintain a decent wardrobe when she goes up and down, up and down!?

But, hey, I can't complain. I feel good. I'm getting some stuff done, like Christmas shopping. I need to be as prepared as possible for the holidays so the busyness doesn't drain me and trigger an episode. I've already been listening to Christmas music! I love it!

Thanks for reading. Thanks for caring. Love ya.
Jennifer

What God is Teaching Me

Still
by Watermark
The more I get alone
The more I see I need to get alone more, more
Cause just when I think that I'm alone
Your Spirit calls out to me
And even silence has a song
Cause that's when you come
Sing over me

Still, let me be still
Let me be OK
With the quiet in my heart
Still, I want to be still
I'm so quick to move
Instead of listening to you
Shut my mouth
Crush my pride
Give me the tears
Of a broken life,
Still

Oh this world, it falls around me
And flutters all it's beauty in my eyes
But let me choose the solitude
Simplicity has always simply changed my life
Cause even stillness makes me move
Cause that's when my heart
Learns to dance with you

Still, let me be still
Let me be OK
With the quiet in my heart
Still, I want to be still
I'm so quick to move
Instead of listening to you
I'm your child
Tame my heart
Obedience
To me impart
Still

La la la la la, Hold me
La la la la la, Cleanse me
La la la la la, Change me, Oh God
Change me while I am
Still, let me be still
And know that you are God
And you are always enough
Still, I want to be still
To take all that I am
And simply lift it up

Shut my mouth
Crush my pride
Give me the tears
Of a broken life,
Still

A Spelling Bee Lesson in Faith

Tuesday night we had a spelling bee at work. It was a few handfuls of kids from around the region that are involved in the organization.

None of our students placed but it was o.k. They did their best, and they studied hard so it’s all good right? Not for one sweet girl. She is 11 years old, quiet and shy, smart as can be and she knew every word on the list by heart. She misspelled her first word - behavior.

“I’m sorry, that’s incorrect” the MC said.

And we all clapped for her and she sat down next to me. She began to sob and cry uncontrollably. I put my arm around her and hugged her and rubbed her back. I assured her she did her best and we’re proud of her and not to be so hard on her self, but she couldn’t get over the fact that she freaked out and messed up when she KNEW that word! She was completely heartbroken and wept for a full hour. I’m talking about hard core weeping. She let me get her some tissues but that was it. I offered to take her to the bathroom, outside, to get her a drink or a snack. I tried to distract her with games on my cell phone. I held her I tried to reassure her, encourage her but she was inconsolable. My heart just ached for her. I couldn’t stop thinking about her all night and I prayed for her.

God hit me with an incredible truth today. Looking back, I can see traces of my mental illness throughout my life. When I became a Christian in 1998 I thought my troubles were over. Jesus never promised that so I don’t know where I got it. I think it was a combination of my previous pastors’ teaching, my home life growing up and my personality. To be honest I blame a lot of it on my pastors’ teaching and I need to work on my bitterness about that. They were repeating what they had been taught but it was ignorant and harmful. For years I was taught that my illness was a spiritual problem and a discipline problem. Depression was a result of lack of prayer, Bible reading and faith. A counselor wouldn’t love me and pills were a crutch when all I need is Jesus. So I set my alarm earlier so I could read and pray and felt guilty because even when I did the “right” thing I didn’t always have the “right” attitude. I strived and strived for perfection and beat myself up when I couldn’t come close. I was cloaked in guilt and fear and felt that God was terribly disappointed and disgusted with me. I suffered not only the physical illness but also the weight of feeling like it was self inflicted by sin. I have since learned to focus on these truths: It is by grace that we are saved. It’s God’s KINDNESS that leads us to repentance. He provided a perfect sacrifice to atone for our sin because we could never be perfect on our own because He loves us unconditionally.

Paul was one of the greatest men of faith of all time! He had a “thorn in his side”. We don’t know specifics but it’s very possible that it was a physical ailment of some sort. Three times Paul cried out to God and asked Him to take it from him. Paul himself had power, thru Jesus, to heal the lame, the blind, the deaf, and to cast out demons. Why didn’t God heal Paul? God’s response was “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

“Therefore,” said Paul, “I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

“The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” So the Lord was close to that little girl at the spelling bee. He allowed me to be His physical hands and feet as I held her and tried to minister to her. She didn’t let me do much but she let me hold her and get her tissues. I recognized today the picture that paints of the years I beat myself up and refused to accept God’s love but assumed His stern, harsh judgment. He held me. He rubbed my back. He loved me, He wanted to comfort me but I didn’t know how to recieve it. He never put all that pressure on me. He never shamed me. He was proud of me for trying my best. I was misled and misguided and that coupled with my diseased mind put me in a nasty state, but it comforts me to know a bit of how He must’ve felt. I love God more now than ever before. I hope and pray that the little girl can know and fully accept God’s love for her. I hope I get more opportunities to show her love.

A relationship with God means always growing, always learning, and it’s always an adventure. Here’s to the day when it’s finally over and I can go home to be with Him. Thank you Father for loving me just as I am and yet loving me enough to not let me stay that way. Amen.

cartoon me.
now if i can figure out how to make it my profile picture...

I.K.P.

Last night Jason and I noticed are car had been vandalized.

Someone scrawled in lipstick:
I.K.P.
bicthasshoe

I think it probably happened at work even though I don't remember making any kids mad yesterday. There has definitely been days when I made someone mad and expected a busted windshield or flat tires but not this time.

We've been racking our brains, trying to figure out what I.K.P could stand for.

Irate Kid Protesting?

Insane Kangaroo Posse?

Illegal Kissing Penguins?

I Kill Puppies?

At least I think I know what "bicthasshoe" means despite their poor spelling skills.
I wonder if anyone else at work had stuff written on their car? I'll find out. I'm just glad it came off with a little windex and didn't leave any permanent damage or cost me any money.

Any idea what I.K.P means?