A Spelling Bee Lesson in Faith

Tuesday night we had a spelling bee at work. It was a few handfuls of kids from around the region that are involved in the organization.

None of our students placed but it was o.k. They did their best, and they studied hard so it’s all good right? Not for one sweet girl. She is 11 years old, quiet and shy, smart as can be and she knew every word on the list by heart. She misspelled her first word - behavior.

“I’m sorry, that’s incorrect” the MC said.

And we all clapped for her and she sat down next to me. She began to sob and cry uncontrollably. I put my arm around her and hugged her and rubbed her back. I assured her she did her best and we’re proud of her and not to be so hard on her self, but she couldn’t get over the fact that she freaked out and messed up when she KNEW that word! She was completely heartbroken and wept for a full hour. I’m talking about hard core weeping. She let me get her some tissues but that was it. I offered to take her to the bathroom, outside, to get her a drink or a snack. I tried to distract her with games on my cell phone. I held her I tried to reassure her, encourage her but she was inconsolable. My heart just ached for her. I couldn’t stop thinking about her all night and I prayed for her.

God hit me with an incredible truth today. Looking back, I can see traces of my mental illness throughout my life. When I became a Christian in 1998 I thought my troubles were over. Jesus never promised that so I don’t know where I got it. I think it was a combination of my previous pastors’ teaching, my home life growing up and my personality. To be honest I blame a lot of it on my pastors’ teaching and I need to work on my bitterness about that. They were repeating what they had been taught but it was ignorant and harmful. For years I was taught that my illness was a spiritual problem and a discipline problem. Depression was a result of lack of prayer, Bible reading and faith. A counselor wouldn’t love me and pills were a crutch when all I need is Jesus. So I set my alarm earlier so I could read and pray and felt guilty because even when I did the “right” thing I didn’t always have the “right” attitude. I strived and strived for perfection and beat myself up when I couldn’t come close. I was cloaked in guilt and fear and felt that God was terribly disappointed and disgusted with me. I suffered not only the physical illness but also the weight of feeling like it was self inflicted by sin. I have since learned to focus on these truths: It is by grace that we are saved. It’s God’s KINDNESS that leads us to repentance. He provided a perfect sacrifice to atone for our sin because we could never be perfect on our own because He loves us unconditionally.

Paul was one of the greatest men of faith of all time! He had a “thorn in his side”. We don’t know specifics but it’s very possible that it was a physical ailment of some sort. Three times Paul cried out to God and asked Him to take it from him. Paul himself had power, thru Jesus, to heal the lame, the blind, the deaf, and to cast out demons. Why didn’t God heal Paul? God’s response was “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

“Therefore,” said Paul, “I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

“The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” So the Lord was close to that little girl at the spelling bee. He allowed me to be His physical hands and feet as I held her and tried to minister to her. She didn’t let me do much but she let me hold her and get her tissues. I recognized today the picture that paints of the years I beat myself up and refused to accept God’s love but assumed His stern, harsh judgment. He held me. He rubbed my back. He loved me, He wanted to comfort me but I didn’t know how to recieve it. He never put all that pressure on me. He never shamed me. He was proud of me for trying my best. I was misled and misguided and that coupled with my diseased mind put me in a nasty state, but it comforts me to know a bit of how He must’ve felt. I love God more now than ever before. I hope and pray that the little girl can know and fully accept God’s love for her. I hope I get more opportunities to show her love.

A relationship with God means always growing, always learning, and it’s always an adventure. Here’s to the day when it’s finally over and I can go home to be with Him. Thank you Father for loving me just as I am and yet loving me enough to not let me stay that way. Amen.