a little better
This morning was rough.
I made myself go to work, wary of how it would be, afraid i'd have to leave. It actually seemed to help me. The routine of it helped me feel normal and the kids are like precious family to me. They can also cause me alot of stress but they were pretty good today. I love to pour out kindness on them. I noticed I was smiling, laughing even. I felt joy. What a relief. I am still alive inside. I have some fight left in me. I never knew a job could be such a blessing. It is a gift from God.
Isn't this crazy!? These last few weeks? It's not always this way....just when I'm going through an "episode". I need to study this disorder and understand it better. I have it and I have to accept it and deal. When I'm depressed reading about it is unbearable. When I feel o.k. I like to ignore it and pretend I'm all better as long as I take my pills. What a joke. If this is me on pills......
People want to know how to help me and I wish I knew. I want to be alone but it means alot to have encouraging phone messages and emails. Thank you for your prayers. They are working.
Even though I'm feeling better I can tell I'm still not quite right. I have weird random thoughts, mostly negative. I obsess. It's a weird feeling to know your brain is misfiring somewhere and you can't control some of those thoughts.
What will tomorrow be like? I have no freakin idea. I know I'm going to work. Scratch that. I know nothing. I have to take it moment by moment.
I came across a verse this morning that touched something deep inside. My heart burned. It's what I want.
She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.
~Proverbs 31:25
I made myself go to work, wary of how it would be, afraid i'd have to leave. It actually seemed to help me. The routine of it helped me feel normal and the kids are like precious family to me. They can also cause me alot of stress but they were pretty good today. I love to pour out kindness on them. I noticed I was smiling, laughing even. I felt joy. What a relief. I am still alive inside. I have some fight left in me. I never knew a job could be such a blessing. It is a gift from God.
Isn't this crazy!? These last few weeks? It's not always this way....just when I'm going through an "episode". I need to study this disorder and understand it better. I have it and I have to accept it and deal. When I'm depressed reading about it is unbearable. When I feel o.k. I like to ignore it and pretend I'm all better as long as I take my pills. What a joke. If this is me on pills......
People want to know how to help me and I wish I knew. I want to be alone but it means alot to have encouraging phone messages and emails. Thank you for your prayers. They are working.
Even though I'm feeling better I can tell I'm still not quite right. I have weird random thoughts, mostly negative. I obsess. It's a weird feeling to know your brain is misfiring somewhere and you can't control some of those thoughts.
What will tomorrow be like? I have no freakin idea. I know I'm going to work. Scratch that. I know nothing. I have to take it moment by moment.
I came across a verse this morning that touched something deep inside. My heart burned. It's what I want.
She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.
~Proverbs 31:25
posted by Jennifer @ 10:11 PM
5 Comments:
At 6:22 AM ,
Anonymous said...
Hey Jen,
I feel so helpless, yet thankful that you can talk to me. I will listen, pray, and remain hopeful. Anything I feel God is giving me I'll send your way. Like - music when your down - as David did for Saul. No matter what, I love you you with all my heart. You have so much to give and you do - to me and to others. The best worship I've ever had, was the ladies retreat in Knoxville. This is definitely a way God uses you to bless others. Layla girl loves spending time with you! Your fun and she feels your love. I also believe you could write short stories or even long ones! luv ya, ma hicks
At 7:19 AM ,
Tennessee Mama Duck said...
Oh Jen,
It is what I want too! It's hard to imagine right now though, isn't it?
I love you and am praying for you!!
At 7:57 PM ,
Anonymous said...
Jen,
I am sending you a hug from across the miles. Know that you are on my heart and in my prayers. I read this in Ephesians yesterday and God immediately brought you to my mind. Let me share it with you:
When I think of the wisdom and scope of God's plan, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. I pray that from His glorious, unlimited resources he will give you mighty inner strength through the Holy Spirit. And I pray that Christ will be more and more at home in your heart as you trust in him. May your roots go down deep into the soil of God's marvelous love. And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love really is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is so great you will never fully understand it. Then you will be filled with the fullness of life and power that comes from God.
Now glory be to God! By his mightly power at work within us, he is able to accomplish infinitely more than we would ever dare ask or hope. May he be given glory in the church and in Christ Jesus forever and ever through endless ages. Amen
~Eph 3:14-21
Sending you my love...
Danielle
At 8:34 PM ,
Tennessee Mama Duck said...
How are you girl? I'm praying for you and Jason. I love you!
At 5:38 PM ,
Anonymous said...
Just wanted to stop by and say, "Hi." ((((((((((((Jen))))))))))
~Danielle
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