Uggh!

I thought I should update since I mentioned some of my bipolar struggles recently. The last few weeks and maybe even months have just been weird and exhausting. I feel like my moods are swinging pretty wildly, especially these last few days.

For example:
This morning I told Jason I wish I could just be institutionalized in a place where I could just read, watch TV, scrapbook and sleep until I die. No more responsibilities. All my meals would be provided and I would like visitors from time to time but mostly I wanted to retire from this sucky life.

I had training meetings all day at work today. At the beginning of the first session I felt like I was going to have an anxiety attack and have to leave.

By the end of the day, of boring training, I was energized and ready to come home and tackle some house work go out for tea and dessert with Jason and make some phone calls.

This is not normal!

Last night by the time I went to bed my mind was plagued with racing, discombobulated thoughts and a random song from the Grease soundtrack. My head ached, my body ached as it often does when I get stressed or depressed. Shut up brain!!

For the first time since being diagnosed, I’m MAD! I HATE this stupid disorder! I didn’t ask for it and I don’t want it! It’s screwing with my head and screwing with my life! I want to be me. I want to be strong instead of restricted. I don’t want to be crazy and I don’t want to be overmedicated. I want to be free. I wish I could extract this nasty thing from my body and drive a stake thru it’s heart.

At the very least I want a game plan from my disease:
“Excuse me bipolar, can you please tell me how you plan on affecting the rest of my life so I can plan and give a heads up to my family and friends?”

I know this is unrealistic and maybe it’s not even helpful but it’s how I feel lately. Isn’t anger part of the grieving process? I think that may be what I’m doing. I’m grieving the loss of a healthy mind and all it’s going to cost me. I did move up my next psychiatrist appointment to this Thursday morning. I honestly have no idea where to start or how to explain to him what I’m experiencing and what I need. I’m scared of changing meds and the side effects that could result. I’m probably more afraid that there is nothing that can help me. Maybe I need to go back to counseling. UGGH!

Please don't be too upset by what I've written. It's very real but it's going to be o.k. Some part of me knows that. As always I need prayers, especially that my mind will focus on truth rather than lies.