Am I Depressed?
That’s the question I’ve been struggling with. I’ve been feeling pretty weird lately. I feel like I’m in a fog, completely numb and resistant to coming out of it. I’ve been isolating myself and on a constant mission to comfort myself. I numb and comfort myself with food, TV, scrapbooking and reading. I feel like I’m dragging through the days. I’m doing a terrible job at returning phone calls and emails. I’m ignoring some of my responsibilities at work and home, putting them off until the last possible minute.
As I read what I just wrote I think the answer is yes, I’m depressed, again, DANGIT!! So far it’s mild and I’m hoping I can keep it that way. The above mentioned activities are coping mechanisms I use to keep myself from stress and anxiety. It’s been several months since I’ve been in this position and I desperately don’t’ want to get worse. I don’t have this bipolar thing completely figured out yet. Will I ever? I’m constantly trying to catch symptoms and signs to evaluate how I’m doing but most of the time there is an underlying lack of confidence and fear of being severely depressed again. If I’m lucky it could last a few days. It’s also been known to last for months. I feel so guilty during these times which just makes things worse but I don’t know how to not feel guilty about falling short in every area of my life because I lack the energy to deal with things. I might call in sick to work, cancel get togethers with friends and families, bail on my household chores and cancel commitments I made to volunteer or serve. All the hard work and progress I’ve made to make healthy eating and exercise habits go out the window as I take things hour by hour doing whatever it takes to comfort me. When you’re down carrot sticks can’t bring the same comfort as a doughnut. That's not a healthy way to deal but it's where I am right now.
Negative thoughts consume me. When I'm feeling good I can fight them with the truth but when I start to get down the negativity begins to take over. I feel like my thoughts are having me instead of me having my thoughts. All my doubts and insecurities are magnified and it becomes hard to seperate the truth from the lies.
What do I need right now?
- to replace lies with truth
- to be able to recognize the difference between true guilt and false guilt
- to push myself to eat healthy and exercise as much as I can stand it
- to pray and have others pray for me
- to continue to rest and take care of myself
As I read what I just wrote I think the answer is yes, I’m depressed, again, DANGIT!! So far it’s mild and I’m hoping I can keep it that way. The above mentioned activities are coping mechanisms I use to keep myself from stress and anxiety. It’s been several months since I’ve been in this position and I desperately don’t’ want to get worse. I don’t have this bipolar thing completely figured out yet. Will I ever? I’m constantly trying to catch symptoms and signs to evaluate how I’m doing but most of the time there is an underlying lack of confidence and fear of being severely depressed again. If I’m lucky it could last a few days. It’s also been known to last for months. I feel so guilty during these times which just makes things worse but I don’t know how to not feel guilty about falling short in every area of my life because I lack the energy to deal with things. I might call in sick to work, cancel get togethers with friends and families, bail on my household chores and cancel commitments I made to volunteer or serve. All the hard work and progress I’ve made to make healthy eating and exercise habits go out the window as I take things hour by hour doing whatever it takes to comfort me. When you’re down carrot sticks can’t bring the same comfort as a doughnut. That's not a healthy way to deal but it's where I am right now.
Negative thoughts consume me. When I'm feeling good I can fight them with the truth but when I start to get down the negativity begins to take over. I feel like my thoughts are having me instead of me having my thoughts. All my doubts and insecurities are magnified and it becomes hard to seperate the truth from the lies.
What do I need right now?
- to replace lies with truth
- to be able to recognize the difference between true guilt and false guilt
- to push myself to eat healthy and exercise as much as I can stand it
- to pray and have others pray for me
- to continue to rest and take care of myself
posted by Jennifer @ 4:03 PM
2 Comments:
At 9:56 PM ,
Anonymous said...
Jen,
Don't let thoughts of depression make you more depressed. If you obsess too much, you will sink lower in your depression, belief me, I know. Perhaps all that is wrong is a lack of sleep; that happens to me sometimes. Also, if your fear of being severly depressed again is showing it's head more than usual, that could be what is depressing you. About the whole underlying lack of confidence...everyone suffers from that, but with different things. I have suffered that with being able to move on with my life past some of the hardships, but the only way to move on and get that confidence is to trust it over to God, and let him be your confidence. I know it's hard, but it's necessary. It's okay to have a lack of energy, maybe you are suffering a small bout of burn-out. Just relax and sleep some more. I cannot say anything about the comfor food thing, because I am guilty. But if you still need the comfort food, my suggestion is to maybe walk twice a day instead of just once. The whole lack of wanting to exercise is probably your body telling you that you need it and your body just doesn't want it. I'm here, now, though, and we can encourage each other. God knows that I also need some exercise.
I think the biggest thing you need right now is prayer and God. If you can trust your failings over to God, then he can make them perfect. It was said to me once that our imperfections give room for God's perfections...so make room. Don't be embarassed or upset that you are imperfect in this area of depression, even though you have overcome it before. We are all imperfect, and sometimes, our imperfections must be redundant so we learn to more appreciate God and lean on him for our strength. You are an amazing person, and I love you. I know that you will be fine. Just put it in God's hand, and don't obsess about your fear of depression and you lack of confidence. It's all in God's hands. Give him the reigns.
Love
Augie
At 10:43 AM ,
Tennessee Mama Duck said...
Jen,
You have touched my heart! I feel your pain - and your fears! You know, my friend, that I have been there too!
Have you called your doctor? Be sure to keep them up on what you are feeling. Maybe they can help!
Meanwhile, my prayers are for you and Jason. I pray that you would allow God to sustain you. Give yourself a break and let Him work in and through you!
I love you, my sister in faith!
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