I'm Bipolar

I've been debating for a while whether I should share that I am bipolar. I've decided that I just have to put it out there. I need the therapeutic release of talking about it. Bipolar has pretty much hijacked my life and ever since I've been trying to figure out where bipolar ends and I begin.

I've struggled with depression off and on my entire life. I remember as early as 5th grade having serious suicidal thoughts. I didn't really experience the mania side of things until the tragedy of my friend Brian dying. In some of my reading and research I have discovered that a lot of people with mental illnesses can trace the start of their illness to some sort of tragic jolt in their life. I think the bipolar was always there but perhaps more dormant until then.

Technically I have bipolar II which means I don't have extreme mania but only mild mania. I have to accept this as a blessing because extreme mania involves losing touch with reality and often doing things to endanger oneself. My mania involves a feeling of adrenaline running through my body for no reason. My thoughts race around in my mind out of control until I want to scream. My sleep becomes very restless as I wake up many times throughout the night and I can't get comfortable no matter how hard I try.

The depression and anxiety are far, far worse. I have to go into survival mode. It takes major effort to get out of bed, take a shower, get dressed etc. My latest bout of depression lasted for 2 months. Some days are better than others. I just get so weak and rely on Jason so much that I won't go to the grocery store without him. At my lowest points I think about suicide a lot. So far I've never actually wanted to go through with it but it's scary when you can't stop thinking about it. I feel like depression robs me of my life and robs me of the opportunity to use the gifts that God gave me.

So that's it. I thought as soon as I had the diagnosis that I would just tell everyone. I thought it would probably explain some of the bizarre behavior I assume I exhibit sometimes. It explains why I call into work or bow out on something I signed up to do. So many times it seemed like the right time to share and I chickened out. I guess I worry that people won't take me as seriously. I need to share it though because it is such a big part of my life and understanding who I am and what I struggle with. The average person doesn't know much about bipolar, let alone what it's like to live with it. I think a lot of people know someone who has it. I guess I'd like to offer my little voice to the noise and share what the experience can be like.

I promise not to turn this into an all bipolar all the time blog but it does touch every area of my life and sharing some of my stories without mentioning it and wondering about it just isn't the whole story. Consider yourself warned!