I've grown so much spiritually in the last few years. I haven't written much about it. I'm afraid to write much down, because one of biggest epiphanies to me has been that some things I was so sure of, were completely wrong. I've discovered that part of spiritual maturity is admitting there's not an answer for everything, everything is not black and white, and you could be completely wrong about some things. I don't think it would be right to then hold all of my beliefs and discoveries to myself. I know God can use me to speak to others about truth. Then again, I don't want to make some of the same mistakes by teaching people things and declaring things that lead to regret years down the road. I'm trying to figure out how to make sense of these things and find a balance.
A catalyst to some of this significant growth seemed to be leaving our home church in Knoxville to move to Cincinnati. This is ironic because the five years we lived in Knoxville, this church was the source of major spiritual growth for us. Our spiritual foundation was established there. The truth, unity and love that existed in the early years of that church seem to be a rare and beautiful thing. I wonder if it's ever possible to hang on to it for long in this world. Those people are my family as much as my biological family and sometimes in a much more functional way.
Getting some distance from the church gave us a clarity about some of the imperfections. I don't think it was explicitly taught, but somehow many of us were under the impression that our pastors were nearly perfect and every word that came out of their mouth was truth. They taught against that as a matter of fact, but so many of us had them on that pedestal. We felt that our church was the best, had figured out how to do the church thing right and could serve as a model for other churches. Every other church simply had something wrong with it. This made it hard for us to partner with other churches and ministries. Some of the things that were taught as absolute truth, seem to me now to be more of a matter of personal style, personality type and opinion. Some of these teachings about living a very disciplined life, combined with my issues of perfectionism and false guilt made a bad combo.
In our recent visits to Knoxville, we have found this precious church family spread out and using terms like "wounded" to describe how they felt leaving this church. The church continues to thrive numerically, but most of it's core family of founders, leaders and servants is scattered and hurting. I don't know what happened, but something is not right there and the leaders that remain refuse to confront it and admit it.
Since we've left, my spiritual life has been a mix of freedom and rebellion. I'm trying to figure out how to receive a steady diet of truth from scripture, but not if I'm doing it as a chore, out of obligation to some false accuser. I have more of that creative, free spirit, personality rather than the left brained, disciplined personality. God designed me that way, so there must be a way that I can live a holy, spiritually rich life with that personality still in tact. Waiting around until I'm in the mood to study my Bible hasn't worked well, just as it doesn't work well to cleaning my bathroom whenever I'm in the mood. Both of these things start out as a chore for me but have such rich rewards. The fact that I just compared cleaning the bathroom with reading my Bible shows how twisted things have become in my mind. The Bible is life changing and the benefits of reading it are permanent and eternal. The same passage can take on a whole new meaning on a different day, in the midst of different circumstances. It brings peace, change of heart and character. That's part of the incredible beauty of it. The Bible says it is live, active and sharper than any sword. The bathroom will just get dirty again.
I'm childish in the way I resist these good things and live for smaller, quicker gratification. There is much evidence for this in my life. I've already improved so much. I have to stay the course and keep learning and growing, but that dang perfectionism leaves me feeling so unsatisfied. This is the most general, summary of how I've grown and changed my perspective on things.
Seven months after moving to Cincinnati my whole world was rocked. I'll never be the same. I'll talk more about that in part 2.
