Another Dark Day

Total meltdown today.

Hopeless, helpless.

despair, anger.

gotta go to work and act like everything is o.k.

stupid training meeting about stress relief.

stress is my disease and a bubble bath won't fix it.

i want to be free.

doctor appt. tomorrow. PLEASE GOD show him how to HELP ME!

Uggh!

I thought I should update since I mentioned some of my bipolar struggles recently. The last few weeks and maybe even months have just been weird and exhausting. I feel like my moods are swinging pretty wildly, especially these last few days.

For example:
This morning I told Jason I wish I could just be institutionalized in a place where I could just read, watch TV, scrapbook and sleep until I die. No more responsibilities. All my meals would be provided and I would like visitors from time to time but mostly I wanted to retire from this sucky life.

I had training meetings all day at work today. At the beginning of the first session I felt like I was going to have an anxiety attack and have to leave.

By the end of the day, of boring training, I was energized and ready to come home and tackle some house work go out for tea and dessert with Jason and make some phone calls.

This is not normal!

Last night by the time I went to bed my mind was plagued with racing, discombobulated thoughts and a random song from the Grease soundtrack. My head ached, my body ached as it often does when I get stressed or depressed. Shut up brain!!

For the first time since being diagnosed, I’m MAD! I HATE this stupid disorder! I didn’t ask for it and I don’t want it! It’s screwing with my head and screwing with my life! I want to be me. I want to be strong instead of restricted. I don’t want to be crazy and I don’t want to be overmedicated. I want to be free. I wish I could extract this nasty thing from my body and drive a stake thru it’s heart.

At the very least I want a game plan from my disease:
“Excuse me bipolar, can you please tell me how you plan on affecting the rest of my life so I can plan and give a heads up to my family and friends?”

I know this is unrealistic and maybe it’s not even helpful but it’s how I feel lately. Isn’t anger part of the grieving process? I think that may be what I’m doing. I’m grieving the loss of a healthy mind and all it’s going to cost me. I did move up my next psychiatrist appointment to this Thursday morning. I honestly have no idea where to start or how to explain to him what I’m experiencing and what I need. I’m scared of changing meds and the side effects that could result. I’m probably more afraid that there is nothing that can help me. Maybe I need to go back to counseling. UGGH!

Please don't be too upset by what I've written. It's very real but it's going to be o.k. Some part of me knows that. As always I need prayers, especially that my mind will focus on truth rather than lies.

Malicious Blessings

I love the south. I also love the north, west and east. They all have their distinct personalities and traits and I enjoy the diversity. The south holds a special place in my heart because of my family’s roots there and the time we spent living in Knoxville,TN.

One of my favorite southern things is the accents and dialect. There was a variety in Knoxville from the lite sweet southern belle accent to the thick country bumpkin accent that was hard for us city folk to understand. I didn’t realize how much I’d picked up the accent until a high school friend from Cincinnati pointed it out. I definitely started using southern expressions such as y’all but I drew the line at you’uns and we’uns. There is one sweet expression I liked but never said out loud because It always felt awkward and foreign on my tongue. “Well bless your/his/her/their heart(s)!” It’s kind, compassionate and sympathetic. It sounds better than “poor thing” or “how awful” but I met a group of women that ruined the phrase for me.

I sold Pampered Chef for several years and truly enjoyed it. I attended a national conference in Chicago with a group of ladies from Knoxville I had never met . The ladies I flew with were different than most of the women I was friends with. They had different priorities and values than I was used to and I felt small, young and out of place around them. I was definitely an outsider and no one made an effort to make me feel otherwise.

The running joke for the week with them became this: when someone says “bless their heart” they really mean “stupid idiot”. They thought this was absolutely HILARIOUS! I thought it was harsh and rude. I can’t deny that I’ve thought people were stupid idiots before (who hasn’t?), sometimes on a daily basis, but I know that God doesn’t see people that way and ideally I pray to see them as He sees them. It often takes lots of confession and prayer for help and processing time to come around to forgiveness and compassion but I have to try. Before I became a Christian I was unapologetically a snotty, malicious gossip. I can’t judge those ladies because that would make me a hypocrite.

We had an evening flight so they wanted to spend their last day in Chicago shopping. I like to browse but don’t usually have much money to spend. They were all about maxing out the credit cards on the hottest name brands. It was fascinating to watch. I finally found a board game I wanted to purchase at the F.A.O. Schwartz toy store but when I went to get my credit card it was missing, along with my license! I could’ve sworn I had them with me and was terrified that they were lost or stolen. I had a flight to catch that night and I couldn’t get on the plane without my license. I was just sick over it and couldn’t enjoy the rest of the day. I was in constant prayer “please God, please God, please God”

Now I never heard anyone say it but I knew they HAD to be snickering “bless her heart” behind my back every chance they got. I mean, it was the perfect opportunity. It fit in great with their running joke of the week. I was the poster child for their cruel joke. Now, they were clearly not my friends and probably never would be, but, I’m supersensitive and it hurt. Another gal and I took the subway back to the hotel earlier than anyone else. I quickly went thru my carry on and found my license and credit card. I was so, so ecstatic, relieved and thankful.

I feel sad for those ladies really. How can you trust any of them to be your true friend? This experience made me treasure my friends more than ever. A true friend is a rare and beautiful gift and I am blessed to have many. I hope those ladies experience the blessing of true friendship in their lives and that they can be a blessing to others. I can pray with all sincerity, may God bless them and their hearts.

Permission Requested to Say No

God's been teaching me something lately and I think it applies to what I've been reading on some dear friends blogs here and here.

Sometimes I have to give myself permission to do or not do something and that simple act eliminates so much stress yet I'm still free to change my mind. That sentence is certainly confusing but it's hard for me to put into words.

For example: I've been stressing over my 10 year high school reunion for a couple of years. Yes, that's ridiculous. I didn't want to go unless I was thinner. Again, ridiculous. Now the reunion is upon me. It's scheduled for October 6 and the cost is $80 per couple!!!! Plus I'll need a dress!!! Besides, most of the time I see someone from high school at a store or restaurant I duck my head and hide. I finally had to give myself permission to not go and I feel so free. I could still change my mind, but the fact that I allowed my mind to decide not to go freed up some of the anxiety somehow.

A couple of high school friends have talked about having our own little get together and that just appeals to me so much more. We had over 600 people in our graduating class. I was a nasty, mean, boy-chasing, gossipy party girl in high school. Part of me feels obligated to go and share the testimony of what God's done in my life. I'm happier than I've ever been except for the fact that I'm obese and I fear that's all people will see. I know I will feel so paranoid, embarrassed and frumpy even though I shouldn't, I undoubtedly will. I haven't won that battle of the mind yet but it's getting better. In the mean time, I'd rather just be with people I know are my friends and I don't get to see them often enough. I'd rather work on getting to know those few lovely people better rather than be faced with a room of 600+ alumni and their dates all for the ridiculous price of $80!!!! Why have I felt like I ABSOLUTELY HAD to go!? Not anymore and it feels oh so good.

Now, I have given myself permission to NOT do the dishes and sit and watch tv with a cup of hot tea.

"self?"

"permission granted!"

When Headlines Hit Home

Every day I check the website of our local news to see what, if anything has happened on the west side of Cincinnati that day. It’s where I grew up, where I live, where most of my friends and family live, where I go to church and where I work. Stories about Price Hill really stand out to me. I work in this neighborhood and it is a regular headline maker, usually for crime and violence. My heart is especially invested in this neighborhood because my heart is invested in the kids and families I work with. When I see that a child has been abused or killed my heart leaps into my throat as I click the link and hope it’s not someone I know. Isn’t that kind of twisted? If it’s one of “my” kids I will be devastated. If the child is a stranger to me I am still so sad but not as sad. I feel kind of guilty about that sometimes but I guess that’s the way it has to be. If I became devastated and grieved hard core over every case I would lose my mind.

I’ve worked at the club 2 ½ years and there have been 3 deaths that I know of. None of these children attended very regularly but I knew their faces and their names. 2 children died of cancer and 1 young boy made local headlines when he died after shooting himself in the eye with a bb gun. I probably knew him best. Sometimes I buy these magazines filled with word and number puzzles. Some of them are too hard for me and I told him that but he would spend an hour or so trying to figure some of them out. Most of the kids give up if they don’t get it in 5 minutes. He was a rowdy little boy but sweet. I can’t believe he’s gone.

The violence of this neighborhood touches all who live here. Many of the kids have t-shirts with photographs on them of friends and family members who have been killed. Rest in peace they say, we love you with a date of birth and date of death. Even without the t-shirts, the people in the headlines are often these children’s family and friends. Even if they don’t know the victim it may be someone they know who committed the crime.

Just last Sunday a 15 year old girl was spending the night at her friend's apartment. The next morning her boyfriend shot her in the head and killed her. I didn’t know this young girl but I'm sad for her and her family. I’m angered by the unnecessary loss of life. The article said she left behind an 8 year old sister.

Today a grandma came to the club with her granddaughters who are regulars there. They had a visitor with them today, a neighbor’s child, an 8 year old little girl who’s sister was killed on Sunday. A beautiful little girl standing in front of me, a headline come to life, a living, breathing human being with confusing and unbearable pain she will probably carry with her to some degree most of her life.

She is smiling and eating a blow pop sucker. She seems to be having a good time at our back to school carnival. My heart is heavy.

Joy Comes in the Morning

I feel somewhat better day. It was the first good night of sleep I’ve had in a while so I’m sure that helped. I think writing out and sharing my struggles brought some perspective and healing. I don’t feel 100% and I don’t quite trust the good feeling to last but I’m optimistic that it might.

I will be off work the next two weeks as the organization shuts down for 2 weeks to do maintenance. I only have 2 days of paid vacation left so I won’t get paid for 7 of those days which sucks but I’m grateful for the time off. The break comes right as it seems that I might break so I couldn’t ask for better timing. I have lots of plans and projects for the next two weeks and I know that finishing them will give me a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment. I will be able to get together with those friends I’ve been wanting to see. I will catch up on some reading and movies. I will enjoy more time with my best friend, my husband.

The second week we are spending 3 nights at this beautiful Bed and Breakfast. Oh, yeah! Things are looking up!

Am I Depressed?

That’s the question I’ve been struggling with. I’ve been feeling pretty weird lately. I feel like I’m in a fog, completely numb and resistant to coming out of it. I’ve been isolating myself and on a constant mission to comfort myself. I numb and comfort myself with food, TV, scrapbooking and reading. I feel like I’m dragging through the days. I’m doing a terrible job at returning phone calls and emails. I’m ignoring some of my responsibilities at work and home, putting them off until the last possible minute.

As I read what I just wrote I think the answer is yes, I’m depressed, again, DANGIT!! So far it’s mild and I’m hoping I can keep it that way. The above mentioned activities are coping mechanisms I use to keep myself from stress and anxiety. It’s been several months since I’ve been in this position and I desperately don’t’ want to get worse. I don’t have this bipolar thing completely figured out yet. Will I ever? I’m constantly trying to catch symptoms and signs to evaluate how I’m doing but most of the time there is an underlying lack of confidence and fear of being severely depressed again. If I’m lucky it could last a few days. It’s also been known to last for months. I feel so guilty during these times which just makes things worse but I don’t know how to not feel guilty about falling short in every area of my life because I lack the energy to deal with things. I might call in sick to work, cancel get togethers with friends and families, bail on my household chores and cancel commitments I made to volunteer or serve. All the hard work and progress I’ve made to make healthy eating and exercise habits go out the window as I take things hour by hour doing whatever it takes to comfort me. When you’re down carrot sticks can’t bring the same comfort as a doughnut. That's not a healthy way to deal but it's where I am right now.

Negative thoughts consume me. When I'm feeling good I can fight them with the truth but when I start to get down the negativity begins to take over. I feel like my thoughts are having me instead of me having my thoughts. All my doubts and insecurities are magnified and it becomes hard to seperate the truth from the lies.

What do I need right now?

- to replace lies with truth

- to be able to recognize the difference between true guilt and false guilt

- to push myself to eat healthy and exercise as much as I can stand it

- to pray and have others pray for me

- to continue to rest and take care of myself